I write this entry to keep a promise I made three weeks ago.

My friend Edward has written a most comprehensive review and devastatingly accurate review of Troy. Treading on the back of this particular giant, I write to elaborate on my three-line contribution to Edward's review, and to fulfil my promise to him.

The Short Version

Vacuum cleaners have less suck than this movie.

The Long Version

When one wishes to make a screen adaptation of an epic like the Iliad, one has a certain responsibility to make sure the screen adaptation lives up to the expectations of the written work. Granted, one does not have to remain true to every word of the written material, only to the essence of the work.

Nevertheless one does not abrogate this responsibility merely by invoking the words "Based loosely on".

Troy, in its essence, was about gods and heroes. Gods and heroes are larger than life. Larger than life does not mean having to speak with a fake British accent, wearing polyester or lovingly angled shots of vaseline coated bodies. It means that when gods and heroes move, mere mortals tremble and run for cover.

Hence, the battle between Hector and Archilles should not bring about images of Baywatch, dubbed to the tune of "We are Family".

One can only stand in awe of the movie - an awe born of the terrible waste of it all. Even ignoring the fact that the movie failed to pay proper homage, it was perfectly horrid on its own merits. Given the amount of money spent paying for A-list stars and paying off reviewers to write positive reviews, the producers could at least afford better scriptwriters and choreographers. They could certainly afford to get a clue.

Let's start with the CGI. It's beautiful. Oh yes, it is. But here's a hint - looping CGI to give the effect of epic scale is an outdated technique. I do not want to spot the same Greek hurling himself into the sea of Trojans four times over. I especially do not wish to spot said Greek doing so using the exact same jump trajectory every time. I cannot suspend my disbelief when I see that on screen. Even Greek fighting discipline has limits. The Greek army was not the German World Cup team taking corner kicks.

And the one-on-one battle sequences! I love John Woo. I really do. I do, however, believe that 30-pound spears and heavy bronze swords should not lend themselves to beautiful ballet-like movements. The crispness and originality in the fight scenes suffered accordingly. How many ways can you make a person wielding clunky sword, shield, spear and full bronze armour look graceful? I am suprised, and frankly a little disappointed, that the stuntment did not develop brain anuerisms on the spot. The movie would have been much improved by it.

I have only one good thing to say about the movie. I honestly enjoyed Troy, and not in the way the movie makers intended.